Title: "Did you ever...?" (Hobbies)
Category: don't know
Blog Entry: "Did you ever...?"
by Melech
Did you ever have some free time and not know how to fill it up? Lately, I find
that I have a few hours in the day with nothing to do. My sister suggested a
hobby. She said that there were hundreds of things I could do to fill up time
and relax, so I went to the library and checked out a book on hobbies.
The idea of a vegetable garden appealed to me, so I gave it a try. I should
have known better. My neighbour, Mark, told me that I had over-watered the
garden and that now, nothing would grow there except rice or water lilies. He
also reminded me that I was the only person on this planet who managed to kill
two artificial houseplants. I went into the house and decided never to speak to
Mark again.
Building model cars and airplanes sounded like just the thing to fill up my
time and relax me. I envisioned a huge display case where I would put all my
cars and planes for everyone to admire. It would also make Mark jealous because
he couldn't build anything without winding up in the emergency room of the
hospital.
The model airplane I was building not only filled up my spare time, but also
the hours when I should have been eating or sleeping. To this day, I'm not sure
if it relaxed me, or if I just passed out from the smell of the glue and
paint., When I regained consciousness several hours later, I was face down on
the floor and I noticed that one of the wings of the airplane was permanently
glued to my elbow. I also was alarmed to discover that I had swallowed one of
the landing wheels.
Drawing and painting were out of the question. I had no talent for it. The
little country cottage I tried to sketch, bore a vague resemblance to an
outhouse in the final stages of deterioration after a nuclear blast.
Volunteer work at a local nursing home turned out badly when I lost my
volunteer ID badge and had a terrible time trying to convince the staff and the
security guards that I was not a patient who had escaped from the
"disturbed ward".
My part-time job at a neighbourhood pet shop only lasted one day. I was bitten
by two dogs, scratched by three cats, and a parrot spent the entire day cursing
at me in four different languages.
Writing a novel not only sounded safe, but relaxing as well. A memory of my
high school and college writing classes came back to me. The teacher always
said: "Write about what you know." After finishing a few chapters, I
showed my work to someone I know in the publishing business. He told me that if
I continued telling so much about the people I named, I would be less than a
pauper after all the libel suits started pouring in. I burned what I had
written.
I was looking out of my kitchen window when I saw my neighbour, Mark, working
in his garden. It was flourishing and looked like it belonged in a gardening
magazine. I decided to forgive him and go out and talk to him. I told him how
bored I was with nothing to do. When he suggested that I take up a hobby, I hit
him with the garden rake. I went into the house and vowed not only to never
speak to him again, but also to flood his garden that night.
I returned the hobby book to the library. As I was walking back to my car, I
saw my sister and her husband. She asked me why I had the wing of a model
airplane glued to my elbow. I pretended that I didn't hear her and I drove
away.
"Did you
ever...?" is a weekly column by Melech.
©copyright 2008 by Melech all rights reserved
Next column will be posted on September 06, 2008
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