"Did you ever...?" (Kids)

By: Melech Mood: don't know Date: 05/26/2008 06:21:09 Music: None

“Did you ever…?”

by Melech

Did you ever wonder about
kids? I do. My sister has three boys (a year apart in age) and one girl. Since these children were born, I have
observed their growth and progress, and my sister’s mental deterioration. The girl has never been a problem or a worry
for my sister or her husband. The boys,
however, have completely destroyed the misguided notion of the angelic nature
of children.

The oldest boy had totally mastered
the art of selective hearing and voluntary deafness. If one of his friends was whispering something six blocks away,
he heard every word. On the other hand,
if my sister was two feet away and calling him a voice one usually associates
with hog calling, he never heard a word.
No one will ever convince me that the varicose veins that my sister has
on her neck were not caused by yelling for her kids. The fainting spells occurred when, after two hours of sustained
screaming, they still didn’t answer.

The second boy was always into
music. I think that’s what it
was, but I was never sure because it was so loud, the entire county suffered
from severe earth tremors, and farm animals, two counties away, became
restless. One farmer in the next county
tried to sue my sister because his prize cow went deaf, had a stroke, and
refused to give milk.

The third boy was into anything
that was guaranteed to give my sister stomach cramps, dizzy spells, and the
desire to run away from home.

When all three boys were still
pre-school age, my sister asked me if she could possibly lie about their ages
and get them drafted into the army. I
told her that I would check into it.

All three boys are grown now and
have children of their own. Just the
other day, they were complaining to my sister about how their kids don’t listen
to them. They asked her: “Mum, when we were little, did you ever have
to yell at us?” My sister didn’t
answer; she just smiled sweetly. It was
the most beautiful smile I have ever seen.
I guess it’s true; revenge is sweet.

“Did
you ever…?” is a weekly newspaper column by Melech

Copyright©2008
by Melech. All rights reserved

The
next column will be posted on June 1, 2008

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