"Did you ever...?"  (Shopping)

by Melech

 

 

Did you ever wonder or worry about the dangers of shopping?  Grocery shopping is one of my least favourtie things to do.  It ranks somewhere in between having gum surgery and slamming my fingers in the car door.  I only shop when it is absolutely necessary.  Today, it became absolutely necessary.  There was no food in the house and I found myself hungrily eyeing the house plants in my neighbours window and wondering how they would taste with salad dressing.

 

I looked in the mirror and said to myself:  "You are a strong, healthy man.  You are 5'10" tall and in reasonably good physical condition.  You can certainly handle a little shopping trip."

 

When I entered the parking area of the supermarket, my palms began to sweat, and I felt a little panicky, but I braved it out, grabbed a shopping trolley (the one that limps), and I entered the store.  I was immediately assaulted by a blast of icy air from the air conditioner.  Apparently, the store manager feels that thirty degrees below zero is the ideal shopping temperature.

 

I was blowing on my hands to warm them up, when a little old lady crashed into the back of my ankles with her shopping trolly and advised me to watch where I was going.  I tried to apologise, but by that time, my lips had frozen shut.

 

The shopping trolley and Iwere both limping up and down the aisles when a large melon went rolling by.  Trying to be a good Samaratin, I stooped to pick it up for the person who dropped it and I was proptly knocked senseless by the same little old lady's trolley, slamming into the side of my head.  "That's my melon"  she shouted.  "Go get one of your own".   When I regained consciousness, the store manager and two stock boys were leaning over me.  One of them said:  "Hey man, we thought you were dead."

"What gave me away?"  I asked.

"When the Paramedics tried to put you in a body bag, you thanked them."  was his reply.

 

I finally got to the check-out line, and, yes, you guessed it.  The same little old lady came sprinting down the aisle, smashed into my hip and my shopping trolley and said:  "I was here first."

 

Home at last.  After putting the groceries away, I was too cold and sore and tired to eat anything, so I thought I would take a nap.  As I passed by the mirror, I noticed that I didn't look like the same strong, healthy 5'10" man I was earlier.  I was much shorter, hunched over, and I could have sworn that my hair was a different colour.

 

I rang my sister and told her about everything that had happened.  I asked her if she thought things would be better if I did my shopping at six in the morning when the store opened, but then I said I knew they wouldn't be because the same shopping trolley (the one that limps) and the same little old lady will be there, waiting for me.   My sister said that I sounded like a case history on paranoia, and she hung up on me.

 

 

"Did you ever...?" is a weekly newspaper column by Melech

@copyright 2008 by Melech.  All rights reserved

The next column will be posted on June 8, 2008

 

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