"Did you ever...?" (New Clothes)

By: Melech Mood: other Date: 07/26/2008 23:30:41 Music: None

“Did you ever…?”

by Melech



Did you ever wonder who designs your clothes? I do, and I have come to the
conclusion that everything I buy was designed by the criminally insane with a
grudge against the human race. Even the label that says; “Inspected by Number…”
is no help because as soon as you are close to finding out who it is, they
change their number and move to another city. I can’t prove any of this, but I
think I’m on to something.

The shirt I bought fit just fine except for the collar which was so tight, my
face turned the colour of an over-ripe tomato, my teeth fell asleep and all my
eyelashes fell out.

The jeans were no better. When I found a pair that fit it in waistline, they
were so big everywhere else, there was enough fabric left over to make a cover
for my car. The pair that fit everywhere else was so tight in the waistline I
could only do one of two things; either wear the jeans or breathe. I couldn’t
do both.

The pullover sweater was probably the worst. After a terrible struggle and the help
of two salesmen, I finally got the sweater pulled over my head when I noticed
that my neck disappeared and the arms of the sweater dragged on the floor. One
of the salesmen borrowed a scissors and cut the sweater off of me.

After trying on thirty-eight pairs of shoes, I settled on a pair of boots that
cut off the circulation to my toes and turned them all the same colours of a
Japanese fan. My toes bore an uncanny resemblance to an explosion in a paint
factory.

When I returned home, I discovered that the pair of sock I bought was
mismatched. One of them came up over my knee and the other just barely covered
my ankle. They were also two different colours. At least, they match the
colours of my toes.

I sat down at the kitchen table and called my sister on the phone. When I told
her that I was on a mission to expose the clothing designers and manufacturers
who have been plotting against me, she said that with the proper medication and
a thousand volts a day, I should be fine in a few months. When I asked her if
thought my eyelashes would grow back, she hung up on me

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“Did you ever…?” is a
weekly newspaper column by Melech

©2008 by Melech. All rights reserved

The next column will be posted on August 02, 2008

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