"Did you ever...?" (Junk Mail)

By: Melech Mood: other Date: 08/02/2008 20:07:58 Music: None

Did
you ever…?

by
Melech

Did you ever really read all the
junk mail and coupons that you get?  I
usually just scan them and chuck them in the bin.  Last week I took the time to read and examine all the junk mail I
received.

The first coupon to catch my eye
was advertising tires at an amazingly low price.  It was time to buy tires for my car anyway, so I thought I’d
check into it.  When I got to the tire
shop I was informed that the sale tires were only for cars built during the
second week of June of 1948 on a tiny island in the South Pacific where they do
nuclear testing. With a sad sigh of resignation and defeat, I crumpled-up the
coupon, stuffed it in the salesman’s mouth, and left the shop.

The second coupon I came across was
one for ten percent off on a package of generic lemonade that was guaranteed to
hurt my kidneys, harden my liver and give me a headache and stomach
cramps.  I threw that one away
immediately.

When I found a coupon for
half-price on any size pizza with one ingredient, I was sure I had picked a
winner, so I called and ordered a small pizza and told the lady who answered
the phone that I had a coupon.  It was
uphill from there on.

“Do you want sauce on it?”

“Yes, of course I want sauce on
it.”

“O.K., that will be £1.50
extra.  Do you want anything else on
it?”

“Well, I wanted cheese, but….?”

“That’s another £3.50 extra.”

“Miss, the coupon states half-price
on any size pizza with one ingredient. 
What is the one ingredient?”

“The crust.  Now is this for pick-up or delivery?”

“For delivery if it’s….”

“There is a £6.75 delivery charge
plus the tip for the driver, so your total will be

£32.85 cash only.  Oh, I forgot to ask; do you want this
baked?  If you do, that will be another
£5.00 oven fee.”  I hung up the phone without
responding and deposited the coupon in the trash bin.            &nb sp;   

The rest of the coupons were pretty
much the same.  Grocery coupons usually
expired whilst I was waiting in the checkout line.  Coupons for 15% off only applied to items that were out of stock
and discontinued.

I was walking back to the house
after disposing of all the coupons and junk mail, when my neighbour, Mark ran
up to me and asked me if I had seen the coupon for the big sale on tires.  I snatched the coupon from his hand.  It was the same tire shop I had been
to.  I crumpled it up, stuffed it in his
mouth, and told him to go in the house and not speak to me unless he could do
so without mentioning coupons or sales. 
I haven’t seen him since. 
Yesterday, Susan, his wife, told me that she had to call the paramedics
because Mark was choking on a coupon. 
He’s O.K. now, but he told her he didn’t ever want to speak to me again.

Today, when I was talking to my
sister on the phone, I mentioned that I was going to buy a new mattress and box
spring for my bed.  She told me that
there was a really big sale at…….I interrupted her before she could finish.
When I asked her if she would mind holding on to that sale paper until after
I had bought the mattress and box spring, she hung up on me.

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“Did you ever…?” is a weekly newspaper column by Melech

©Copyright
2008 by Melech.  All rights reserved

The
next column will be posted on August 09, 2008

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